Post by Dave on Nov 19, 2008 19:37:02 GMT
Today we have learnt the very sad news, that a young man and player for our club has leukaemia. I do know one member on the forum, who has lost his mum and dad to cancer and I would expect we have other members, who have family who have got it or have died from it. We may even have a member, who has got it now and is in the middle of a big battle to win over it.
The purpose of this post is only to try and make those who have been untouched by this terrible illness, aware of the real impact, not only on Chris Todd’s family but all families who has a member, who has got cancer. I also hope that you will be able to gain and learn from those who have got cancer, because these people are not only a real inspiration, to those around them, but they are so very brave and courageous.
There will so many emotions that will surface that will need to be faced and dealt with, when a family learns a family member has cancer, heartbreak, hurt and shock, followed by real anger as questions are asked that have no answers, Then real fear as they think what the future will be, but in the end once these are dealt with, you learn how to join in the fight and play your part.
While those who have it can understand that people feel sad, they do not seek pity, but will at times hope that others with show understanding when it is needed. I make on apologies for the content of this post, it is written the only way I know how and that is from the heart, it is open, honest and a real true-life.
If you are the sort of person, who gets upset easily, then please do not read this post any further, like I said it has been written as it really is, nothing has been left out. I will also warn you that it is a very long post and you will need some time to read it to the end, but I hope that you do.
It was no surprise to those who knew about my childhood, that I was married at the young age of nineteen, due to my boyhood life, my only goal in life was to have a proper home and family. 55 years ago, my very evil mother had started a divorce, only to find out the news, that Dave R was growing inside her. She did all she could, the hot baths the pills, everything to get rid of me. On the 14Th October 1954, I was born, after already surviving my first big battle in my life, even before my eyes had seen daylight.
Yes she was evil, but three times more proud and would never take handouts, my older brother and sister, would be Ok should she get a job, it was just me in the way. So I was farmed out to any family member who would have me, that was how it was for all my childhood. I was allowed home one day a week, on a Saturday my big brother would come and get me; take me to the Saturday morning pictures for kids, at the Odeon at Newton. Home for the afternoon, but then taken back after Sunday lunch, for another week.
They say the woman you marry, will be so like you mum and so very true in my case, as soon as I was caught in the web, I found I was with a very evil and nasty person, someone who could never be happy and would not let those in her life be, it was not in her rules. Yet I had made a pledge to myself, that my kids would never have to go through what I did as a kid, but after 14 years, of sheer hell, I had to find an end to it all. The breaking on my pledge, not only hurts still, but I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.
A few years went by, years of just doing what I needed to do, to get by, empty of any real emotion and then I saw her. Yes I saw and got to talk to my Carol, at first I did not believe she was real, how could she be, she was not like the other two main woman that had been in my life. Here was a lady who never stopped smiling, from the time she got up and the time she went to bed. She had no mood swings; she was the same Carol anytime you were with her. Someone who always puts others before herself, even now when she should really be putting herself up the front. So you can understand why I did not think she was real.
She was so much more as well, the one and only true friend I have ever had, loves me and supports all I do and in 16 years we have never had a fallout, Carol just does not do fallouts. After 10 years of real happiness, that we both had never had before in our life’s, we wanted to be Mr and Mrs Roach, so we planned it for a day In August, it was going to be the icing on the cake, of another great year together.
It was a great day and so glad we did not know then, just how different and difficult Christmas was going to be that year. Two months after our wedding I came home and she said she wanted to talk to me. I knew something was very wrong, but what? She was going to leave me? had someone else? No, I knew that would never happen.
She had found a lump, that had come up so quickly, the size of a golf ball, on one of her breasts, well there was no way I was even going to think about the big C, it had to be a fatty lump and nothing else. The first test indicated that it could be cancer and so a biopsy was done and we had to return in one week, for the results.
We did not want to have to just remember the day we were going to find out she had cancer and nothing else, so we left Torbay for the day. We made it a real day out complete with lunch, going to get the bad news could wait and us having a great day together was so much more important. But we knew we had to go and face it and once told an operation, to remove the lump was planed for one week later.
After getting told you get taken into a room and talk with a cancer nurse, I think you are both meant to break down and cry, but Carol and I just held hands and got things over as quickly as possible. We then walked hand in hand to our car and set of for home. The house was empty when we got there and we just put our arms around each other and cried for over an hour.
We knew we then had to dry our eyes, you see the next part of the day was going to be very hard to deal with, but it had to be done. Carols mum and dad, her brothers and sisters and her four boys were all waiting for us to talk to them. They had all their hopes for good news, but sadly we could only give then bad.
I went to work the next but got sent home, I could not stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, but I could not go home, not in the state I was in. I drove my car to a place I know I could then walk to, a place where no one would ever come while I was there. I did not want others to have to be near and feel my pain and hear my cries, but some six hours later, I could cry no more and went home.
She had the operation and we went back one week later, to find out the results etc. Sadly they had not cleared the cancer and wanted to do another operation five days later; this was to remove the whole breast. She would have to stay in hospital all week and would be out four days before Christmas, I did not believe it when she said no, I’ll have the op after Christmas, why I asked, only to be told she had not got everyone’s presents yet and would also need time to wrap then all up. I called a timeout and took her outside, all the family were expecting the right decisions to be made, so I gave Carol a hard time, something I have never done before, It worked, but she didn’t talk to me for a day, but I could live with that , the operation was on. Knowing she hated being in a hospital, I arranged it so I could sit by her bed from 8am until 10pm everyday she was in there.
When she came out, everyone helped her sort the Xmas gifts out and we made the best of Christmas that year. Then she had chemo and radiotherapy that lasted for a large part of the next year. Things had been fine since then, nearly five years in total, until a small lump was found on her scare tissue where her breast was removed, sadly it was cancer again. She had one operation on her chest wall, followed by a second a week later, but the news was that there were still cancers cells there.
Then scans showed it was on her kidney and she had what they call a hotspot on her rib, seems the bad news started coming in threes this time. Further operations were ruled out and she agreed to go on very intense chemo this time. I think she thought it would the same as last time, but I tried to tell her, that this was a really nasty drug this time and it would have some really bad effects.
For me it has been so hard to watch the suffering she has had to deal with, I was powerless to do anything, I could only be there and offer words that I hoped would mean so much to her. Six months of chemo is over, the last one was four weeks ago, sadly not all the effects of the treatment have left Carol yet. She had scans last week and today of all days, with so much other bad news, we had to go for yet another meeting, to discuss the results and where we go next.
The news was slightly better than I dared hope for, the tumour on the kidney has reduced, the kidney has remained swollen and we will have to deal with that next. Her rib, where the hot spot was as been causing her great pain lately and I was concerned about it, but it seems it was a weak spot and the chemo has broken the rib at that point. So in four or five weeks it should mend and heal up.
The real secret Is to do everything you can to live you life as normal , by not doing so, you let it win, and you never give up hope, we are all going to die one day, but I’m not letting my Carol go just yet.
For the last 16 years I have had the home and family I always needed to have, if I could'nt find anything else to thank Carol for, ( but there are a thousand other things I really could thank her for).I thank her for giving me that.
The purpose of this post is only to try and make those who have been untouched by this terrible illness, aware of the real impact, not only on Chris Todd’s family but all families who has a member, who has got cancer. I also hope that you will be able to gain and learn from those who have got cancer, because these people are not only a real inspiration, to those around them, but they are so very brave and courageous.
There will so many emotions that will surface that will need to be faced and dealt with, when a family learns a family member has cancer, heartbreak, hurt and shock, followed by real anger as questions are asked that have no answers, Then real fear as they think what the future will be, but in the end once these are dealt with, you learn how to join in the fight and play your part.
While those who have it can understand that people feel sad, they do not seek pity, but will at times hope that others with show understanding when it is needed. I make on apologies for the content of this post, it is written the only way I know how and that is from the heart, it is open, honest and a real true-life.
If you are the sort of person, who gets upset easily, then please do not read this post any further, like I said it has been written as it really is, nothing has been left out. I will also warn you that it is a very long post and you will need some time to read it to the end, but I hope that you do.
It was no surprise to those who knew about my childhood, that I was married at the young age of nineteen, due to my boyhood life, my only goal in life was to have a proper home and family. 55 years ago, my very evil mother had started a divorce, only to find out the news, that Dave R was growing inside her. She did all she could, the hot baths the pills, everything to get rid of me. On the 14Th October 1954, I was born, after already surviving my first big battle in my life, even before my eyes had seen daylight.
Yes she was evil, but three times more proud and would never take handouts, my older brother and sister, would be Ok should she get a job, it was just me in the way. So I was farmed out to any family member who would have me, that was how it was for all my childhood. I was allowed home one day a week, on a Saturday my big brother would come and get me; take me to the Saturday morning pictures for kids, at the Odeon at Newton. Home for the afternoon, but then taken back after Sunday lunch, for another week.
They say the woman you marry, will be so like you mum and so very true in my case, as soon as I was caught in the web, I found I was with a very evil and nasty person, someone who could never be happy and would not let those in her life be, it was not in her rules. Yet I had made a pledge to myself, that my kids would never have to go through what I did as a kid, but after 14 years, of sheer hell, I had to find an end to it all. The breaking on my pledge, not only hurts still, but I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.
A few years went by, years of just doing what I needed to do, to get by, empty of any real emotion and then I saw her. Yes I saw and got to talk to my Carol, at first I did not believe she was real, how could she be, she was not like the other two main woman that had been in my life. Here was a lady who never stopped smiling, from the time she got up and the time she went to bed. She had no mood swings; she was the same Carol anytime you were with her. Someone who always puts others before herself, even now when she should really be putting herself up the front. So you can understand why I did not think she was real.
She was so much more as well, the one and only true friend I have ever had, loves me and supports all I do and in 16 years we have never had a fallout, Carol just does not do fallouts. After 10 years of real happiness, that we both had never had before in our life’s, we wanted to be Mr and Mrs Roach, so we planned it for a day In August, it was going to be the icing on the cake, of another great year together.
It was a great day and so glad we did not know then, just how different and difficult Christmas was going to be that year. Two months after our wedding I came home and she said she wanted to talk to me. I knew something was very wrong, but what? She was going to leave me? had someone else? No, I knew that would never happen.
She had found a lump, that had come up so quickly, the size of a golf ball, on one of her breasts, well there was no way I was even going to think about the big C, it had to be a fatty lump and nothing else. The first test indicated that it could be cancer and so a biopsy was done and we had to return in one week, for the results.
We did not want to have to just remember the day we were going to find out she had cancer and nothing else, so we left Torbay for the day. We made it a real day out complete with lunch, going to get the bad news could wait and us having a great day together was so much more important. But we knew we had to go and face it and once told an operation, to remove the lump was planed for one week later.
After getting told you get taken into a room and talk with a cancer nurse, I think you are both meant to break down and cry, but Carol and I just held hands and got things over as quickly as possible. We then walked hand in hand to our car and set of for home. The house was empty when we got there and we just put our arms around each other and cried for over an hour.
We knew we then had to dry our eyes, you see the next part of the day was going to be very hard to deal with, but it had to be done. Carols mum and dad, her brothers and sisters and her four boys were all waiting for us to talk to them. They had all their hopes for good news, but sadly we could only give then bad.
I went to work the next but got sent home, I could not stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, but I could not go home, not in the state I was in. I drove my car to a place I know I could then walk to, a place where no one would ever come while I was there. I did not want others to have to be near and feel my pain and hear my cries, but some six hours later, I could cry no more and went home.
She had the operation and we went back one week later, to find out the results etc. Sadly they had not cleared the cancer and wanted to do another operation five days later; this was to remove the whole breast. She would have to stay in hospital all week and would be out four days before Christmas, I did not believe it when she said no, I’ll have the op after Christmas, why I asked, only to be told she had not got everyone’s presents yet and would also need time to wrap then all up. I called a timeout and took her outside, all the family were expecting the right decisions to be made, so I gave Carol a hard time, something I have never done before, It worked, but she didn’t talk to me for a day, but I could live with that , the operation was on. Knowing she hated being in a hospital, I arranged it so I could sit by her bed from 8am until 10pm everyday she was in there.
When she came out, everyone helped her sort the Xmas gifts out and we made the best of Christmas that year. Then she had chemo and radiotherapy that lasted for a large part of the next year. Things had been fine since then, nearly five years in total, until a small lump was found on her scare tissue where her breast was removed, sadly it was cancer again. She had one operation on her chest wall, followed by a second a week later, but the news was that there were still cancers cells there.
Then scans showed it was on her kidney and she had what they call a hotspot on her rib, seems the bad news started coming in threes this time. Further operations were ruled out and she agreed to go on very intense chemo this time. I think she thought it would the same as last time, but I tried to tell her, that this was a really nasty drug this time and it would have some really bad effects.
For me it has been so hard to watch the suffering she has had to deal with, I was powerless to do anything, I could only be there and offer words that I hoped would mean so much to her. Six months of chemo is over, the last one was four weeks ago, sadly not all the effects of the treatment have left Carol yet. She had scans last week and today of all days, with so much other bad news, we had to go for yet another meeting, to discuss the results and where we go next.
The news was slightly better than I dared hope for, the tumour on the kidney has reduced, the kidney has remained swollen and we will have to deal with that next. Her rib, where the hot spot was as been causing her great pain lately and I was concerned about it, but it seems it was a weak spot and the chemo has broken the rib at that point. So in four or five weeks it should mend and heal up.
The real secret Is to do everything you can to live you life as normal , by not doing so, you let it win, and you never give up hope, we are all going to die one day, but I’m not letting my Carol go just yet.
For the last 16 years I have had the home and family I always needed to have, if I could'nt find anything else to thank Carol for, ( but there are a thousand other things I really could thank her for).I thank her for giving me that.
Courage and positivity....................two assets you have in abundance Dave, and the realisation that everyday is unique and once gone; gone forever.
