Post by Dave on Apr 30, 2010 22:25:15 GMT
I sat here seven nights ago doing poster of the week and was so looking forward to being off work for ten days and ten days I could spend having Carol all to myself for a change. When I talked with Jon before the game I think he could feel everything I have been trying to deal with just under the surface and I said to him I was sure once I was enjoying my days out with Carol, I would hopefully fully come back to where I need to be.
We checked the weather forecast for the week and just felt we were going to get lucky for a change with the weather, most times in the past when we have been on holiday together, it has rained for the whole week. Not that we have ever let the weather stop what we had planned to do, we will never forget walking up to the old chapel on the hill at Abbotsbury in the driving wind and rain that had the effect of us feeling we were taking one step forward and two steps back. But we had driven all the way there and just hoped it would not be raining there, but sometimes hope is not enough and you just have to accept things as they are and there is nothing you can do about it.
Doing our Kingsbridge discovery walk on Sunday afternoon there was nothing to indicate the problems that lay ahead for Carol and when we got home and the problems began we just put it down to the side effects of the cancer drug she had changed over too in the hope it would be kinder on her than the one she had been taking.
Monday we changed our plans and only went out for a walk in the afternoon as Carol convinced me she was up to it, I now believe she was not and only said she was as she did not want to spoil my week off work, thats just how unselfish this lady is. Only the same things happened again that night to Carol and in the morning she said she was not going to take her cancer pill and so we had to talk with the hospital and later in the day get her some of the ones she had been taking before, there is no way she can just not take anything at all.
I blame myself for Wednesday, I allowed her to convince me once again she would be fine and I packed far too much into the day and it did take far too much out of her. That night and all night long as it turned out was the worst night I have had in my life, I was so scared and yet I had to do all I could for Carol and at 3.30am when she fell into a light sleep just for a while, I really struggled to fight off those very dark thoughts and I was losing the battle and that resulted in me being even more scared.I allowed myself to start believing that horrible evil within was once again starting to get the upper hand, but I knew I had to get such thoughts out of my head.
I sat on the bed until morning, I was even more afraid to go to sleep myself; I just needed to see her chest keep rising and falling until I was able to take control of the situation and get some medical help to try and make sure Thursday night was not a repeat of Wednesday night for her.
I was aware Carol’s dad was once again suffering, he has really struggled since the very first day Carol and I went and told him the news we really wished we did not have too; I sorted out appointments and asked him to take us in his car. I just felt he needed to see Carol was with us and she had me in there batting for her. We waited in the car and I went in with Carol to ensure the doctors got told everything and also to make sure I knew all that they said, I then left Carol with them and went and talked with Carol’s dad.
I told him that from time to time things are going to happen to Carol and we just have to face up to that fact and just make sure we are strong for her and give her all the love and support we can, there is nothing else we can do and one thing we must never do is give up hope.
I filled her up with all those pills last night and I was so pleased there was no repeat of the night before for her, today she has rested for most of the day, it’s a case she has had to as she does not have one single once of energy to do anything at all. This is a lady who goes around like some demented bee, never stopping to hardly take a breath and she said to me tonight that all she wants is to just get some energy back.
She also once again said she was sorry for ruining my week off and I just told her I’m so glad I took this week off so I could be here to help her get over this latest problem for her.
Fingers crossed she will get stronger over the weekend and we will see our old Carol back with us, I still have real problems trying to understand why such a beautiful human being both outside and more importantly inside, should have such a terrible illness, but I’m very thankful that Carol is my life and gave to me the life I had never had and always wanted, we were made to be together at this time and I will do all I can to make that together last a whole lot longer.
Not to many votes cast this week and I just came out on top, I do feel Merse should have won the award this week, he has been a star on here making great posts and has played such a big part in keeping the forum alive and well this week despite having fears and concerns about his own health.
I will just put up the links to two posts I made this week, they are important to me as they were both about two places Carol and I were together at on Wednesday.
www.torquayfansforum.com/index.cgi?board=daysout&action=display&thread=5099
www.torquayfansforum.com/index.cgi?board=daysout&action=display&thread=5102
We checked the weather forecast for the week and just felt we were going to get lucky for a change with the weather, most times in the past when we have been on holiday together, it has rained for the whole week. Not that we have ever let the weather stop what we had planned to do, we will never forget walking up to the old chapel on the hill at Abbotsbury in the driving wind and rain that had the effect of us feeling we were taking one step forward and two steps back. But we had driven all the way there and just hoped it would not be raining there, but sometimes hope is not enough and you just have to accept things as they are and there is nothing you can do about it.
Doing our Kingsbridge discovery walk on Sunday afternoon there was nothing to indicate the problems that lay ahead for Carol and when we got home and the problems began we just put it down to the side effects of the cancer drug she had changed over too in the hope it would be kinder on her than the one she had been taking.
Monday we changed our plans and only went out for a walk in the afternoon as Carol convinced me she was up to it, I now believe she was not and only said she was as she did not want to spoil my week off work, thats just how unselfish this lady is. Only the same things happened again that night to Carol and in the morning she said she was not going to take her cancer pill and so we had to talk with the hospital and later in the day get her some of the ones she had been taking before, there is no way she can just not take anything at all.
I blame myself for Wednesday, I allowed her to convince me once again she would be fine and I packed far too much into the day and it did take far too much out of her. That night and all night long as it turned out was the worst night I have had in my life, I was so scared and yet I had to do all I could for Carol and at 3.30am when she fell into a light sleep just for a while, I really struggled to fight off those very dark thoughts and I was losing the battle and that resulted in me being even more scared.I allowed myself to start believing that horrible evil within was once again starting to get the upper hand, but I knew I had to get such thoughts out of my head.
I sat on the bed until morning, I was even more afraid to go to sleep myself; I just needed to see her chest keep rising and falling until I was able to take control of the situation and get some medical help to try and make sure Thursday night was not a repeat of Wednesday night for her.
I was aware Carol’s dad was once again suffering, he has really struggled since the very first day Carol and I went and told him the news we really wished we did not have too; I sorted out appointments and asked him to take us in his car. I just felt he needed to see Carol was with us and she had me in there batting for her. We waited in the car and I went in with Carol to ensure the doctors got told everything and also to make sure I knew all that they said, I then left Carol with them and went and talked with Carol’s dad.
I told him that from time to time things are going to happen to Carol and we just have to face up to that fact and just make sure we are strong for her and give her all the love and support we can, there is nothing else we can do and one thing we must never do is give up hope.
I filled her up with all those pills last night and I was so pleased there was no repeat of the night before for her, today she has rested for most of the day, it’s a case she has had to as she does not have one single once of energy to do anything at all. This is a lady who goes around like some demented bee, never stopping to hardly take a breath and she said to me tonight that all she wants is to just get some energy back.
She also once again said she was sorry for ruining my week off and I just told her I’m so glad I took this week off so I could be here to help her get over this latest problem for her.
Fingers crossed she will get stronger over the weekend and we will see our old Carol back with us, I still have real problems trying to understand why such a beautiful human being both outside and more importantly inside, should have such a terrible illness, but I’m very thankful that Carol is my life and gave to me the life I had never had and always wanted, we were made to be together at this time and I will do all I can to make that together last a whole lot longer.
Not to many votes cast this week and I just came out on top, I do feel Merse should have won the award this week, he has been a star on here making great posts and has played such a big part in keeping the forum alive and well this week despite having fears and concerns about his own health.
I will just put up the links to two posts I made this week, they are important to me as they were both about two places Carol and I were together at on Wednesday.
www.torquayfansforum.com/index.cgi?board=daysout&action=display&thread=5099
www.torquayfansforum.com/index.cgi?board=daysout&action=display&thread=5102